I think this speaks to a perspective that I didn’t know I’ve been struggling to put to words. Self care sometimes is about silence and not sound.
I’ve really been neglecting this page, again. Need to seriously start documenting my life here better. I always have a dozen or so thoughts swimming around in my head that I never seem to get a chance to write down so I’d really like to schedule time each day to take a look at my random scribbles and get something concrete on paper.
Anyways, that’s it for now. Just want to flex my website blogging muscles a bit before they atrophy beyond recognition.
Random thought but it’s occurring to me that I have two potential life-tracking tools at my disposal: my bullet journal and this square space blog.
The BuJo I guess is more relevant for day-to-day personal activities and thoughts, which I will admit I occasionally forget to use and update. On the other hand, this Squarespace blog is my place for longer-form, more in-depth ideas and thoughts.
It feels kind of strange using these two systems in parallel since the kind of things that I would want to try and post in my BuJo are now being logged in this blog. At the same time, this blog allows for some more stream-of-consciousness that my handwriting simply can’t compete with in capacity and speed.
Just a thought about these two personal repositories.
I’ve been using MyFitnessPal for the past 6 weeks straight tracking and logging calories. I’ve been trying to keep a log of what I eat from a calorie perspective in order to lose weight but I’m noticing an usual trend with my tracking in that I use my calorie limit per day to inform whether or not I eat as a opposed to a system where I sets a goal for me.
My magic number is 1800kcal a day so I often will eat up to that limit, naturally trying not to go over. The corollary is that I also look to fill up those extra calories if, after logging a day of food, I find that I still have some left over.
I don’t think that this is a good process, though, because it sets me up to always meet that goal, rather than listen to my body and work within those limits, even if it means fewer calories per day.
Not sure what I’ll do about this, I like the consistency of using the MFP app and I’d sooner keep to this habit than try to break it. At the same time, I feel like a “flexible diet” approach is probably the best bet.
Will look to do more research into this.
Am noticing that in my never-ending pursuit of the best running and weight lifting routine to suit my goals, I always go back to the same few Reddit posts. Specifically, this one has a thread whose second comment spells out basically my exact approach to lifting while running (two workouts a week with an “A” day and “B” day).
I don’t need to go to this page to tell me stuff that I know already, but I find myself seeking out this page and thread, specifically to validate what I already know.
It’s weird but I don’t find this bad in the way that a person who only speaks to others with similar views and opinions may be detrimental, i.e. a bubble, but I do recognize that my insistence on this form of validation is a kind of social crutch.
I know what I need to do and yet I still seek out sources of information that validate me and my choices. I like to think of myself as someone who doesn’t need this validation or social crutch, and yet I find myself relying more and more on these kinds of things.
What does this say about me?
The longer you go without using your voice, the sooner you forget you have one.
It’s been a while since I’ve last posted, and that’s something that saddens me. I’ve gone back and forth between using this site, keeping it in the background, cancelling my Squarespace account, and all iterations in between. I’ve made countless (read: a handful) purchases of $16 for this site.
I don’t want to say that I’ll stick to this now, and in perpetuity. I just think that I should go with the flow and listen to my heart. God, that sounds really cheesy, but it’s what I feel.
Maybe writing these smaller, bite-sized chunks will make me feel less apprehensive to use the site? Ultimately, I want it to be a place that I don’t feel pressured to use. To achieve that means removing the standards that I’ve tried to hold to myself for this blog and just use it however I want.
It's been a hard day at work. Feelings of frustration are welling up inside me, partly for the lack of assistance I feel I'm owed in my role, but also at myself for having failed to take the proper actions to ensure that doesn't happen.
I've tried to always live my life by a mindset of "Respect is earned, not given", and along the way the past few months I've become complacent. Realizing this now is having me see the error in my ways, in particular that I've been trying to assume certain responsibilities but without actually developing the work ethic or knowledge that presupposes those responsibilities.
On an unrelated note, my mood has changed drastically in the course of thinking this all through. I don't like attributing my present state to those around me since, I know ultimately, I am the cause and effect behind my emotional state. More often than not, too, I've found that my feelings are often not justified once I've had a chance to let them digest.
I thought about getting rid of this blog and website, cancelling my subscription again, but time and time again I'm finding that it's been very helpful.
Second thoughts should be thought a third time.
Feeling very grateful and thankful this evening for the people around me. Did not have the best sleep last night and it showed in my mood and general irritability this afternoon. I'm not proud of how I acted today but sometimes we all have these moments, and I feel especially blessed to have patient and understanding folks to look out for me.
The good news is I went for my run and was able to clear my mind and straighten out my mood. Ran in my Nike Zoom Flys as I've been sadly neglecting them as of late. Interestingly enough I used them at a pretty low pace, ~11:30 min/mile, but made sure to run mostly on my forefoot which was something new for me. They held up quite well.
Further than that, I came home and felt like a brand new person. Had some bad Chinese food afterwards (some habits are harder to kick) and promptly passed out. I think my body is trying to tell me to get some more sleep, so that's just what I'll be doing :)
I've been neglecting this blog, plain and simple. I think this is somewhat tied to my perfectionism. I would normally try to hover around that issue and say I had "a kind of perfectionism" or that I had "perfectionist tendencies" but no, I am a perfectionist.
I think that perfectionism leads to a mind set based on moving goals. The longer these goals are kept in motion, rather than you yourself are kept in motion, the more it feeds into inaction and fear, much like Dale Carnegie's quote above.
So, to that end, I will be moving more and moving often. I want to break free of this fear and reclaim that beautiful confidence and courage that action breeds. I want to remind myself that I am doing this for myself and only myself.
Most of all, I want to take action and no longer sit idly by on the sidelines waiting for perfection to meet me. I need to be above perfection and past it. I need to be post-perfect.
Learned of this method called 5-1-30, which is a goal setting process. You begin by doubling your age (if you’re 60+, think of your age at 90) and from there think about the things you want to have accomplished by then. At the same time, think about the things that you want to avoid doing at that age.
From there, the focus here is to consider some shorter term goals to get to that point. Taking from the title, you imagine the things you need to accomplish in 5 years to set you on the pathway to your longer term goals in the first part. Make suer to be specific and measurable goals (for more detail look up SMART goals).
From the 5 year standpoint, look next to plan out what to do over to reach those long term goals in 1 year. Once again, look to plan out attainable and measurable goals.
The last piece to this plan is to consider what you need to do over the next 30 days to put you on track for your 1 year goals. The focus for this goal setting process is to identify measurable and attainable goals that you set out for yourself over time.
I really like this method because it forces you to consider lofty, ambitious goals far in the future, and seeks to make that pathway more and more realistic by changing and shortening the time period to attain smaller goals as they relate to your current self now.
I’ll definitely be using this goal setting process for my longer term goals; look out for those post(s?) in the coming days/weeks.